Legacy of Divorce

10/05/10

Yesterday a 17 year old walked into  my shop.  She had skipped school.  Her mother dropped her off and went to work.  She had unprotected sex with a boy she does not know or love, and thinks she may be pregnant. 

She was late as of yesterday.  She stated that she started a new acne medication and I believe  that may be affecting her regular 28 day cycle.  She had sex around the 10th day after her period started so, there is a good chance she may not pregnant.  But she needs to wait a few days and think.  

This got me to thinking about my blog post two days ago regarding The legacy of divorce.  So, I figured why not just share my views here for those interested.  I have to build a relationship with people in this community and what better way than share my day to day happenings on a forum such as this.   

This was my thoughts after she left:  Remember, I am a social worker with a deep interest in the macro level so it is on a larger scale perspective, so bare with me.  

These problems are symptoms of a broken society. 

The legacy of divorce has stripped away the faith and hope of marriage and its covenant to protect the family.  Many couples don't get married in the first place because of this.  Loss of faith has caused us to abandon our ideals and question our own abilities and expectations of marriage.  

Why did we lose faith? 

When married couples struggle to UNDERSTAND one another through open respectful dialogue, our modes of communication breakdown and we become reactive and irritated.  The "reactive" behavior perceived by each spouse may be seen as disrespectful and negative.  This may include "selfish, rude, inconsiderate, intolerable, angry, aggressive, hostile, abusive", etc.  This may contribute to feeling more frustrated and now they may be lose their temper and begin acting out that anger in violence.  Thus giving "reasons" to give up and divorce.  Now some may argue,  "I am not going to let an abusive person punch me."  I agree with that, but hear me out.. This is important insight.

Why the frustration and anger that lead to abusive "reactive" behavior?  

VOWS are words that have deep meaning for many.  But like all words, are open to interpretation by the individual perspective.  These differing perspectives change and adapt to differing levels of maturity, socio-economic status, and family origins.   Deep frustration and hurt surface from, and I use this as a lack of a better word, "inconsiderations" out of ignorance, not MALICE.

Without the skill of COMMUNICATION, couples don't learn from one another and continue the road that leads to violence and eventual divorce.  It looks like this:

Before anyone goes insane, they will "cope" with it with self defeating choices that are supposedly "justified."  For example, shopping, overeating, compulsive behavior, being controlling, cheating, lying, neglecting your role as a spouse, yelling, working too much and neglecting children, etc.  This cycle goes back and forth feeding off each event until you are completely hostile and volatile.. These outbursts just destroy the relationship and any hope of reconciliation.  

When we are disgusted with ourselves and each other, we divorce.  This usually happens when there is evidence of violence or an imminent threat of it. 

How does this tie in to the 17 year old who is reaching out to a random guy for attention and affection?  When Dad's are not around, kids are vulnerable.

What is the missing part that people are not getting?

Maturity.  Maturity happens when we accept responsibility for our lives and see our actions as a direct correlation to our consequences.  When a person no longer see's them self as a victim.  Owns their behavior by accepting AND acting accordingly.  Maturity brings a lot of wonderful things, but mostly perspective and understanding which ultimately leads to forgiveness and love.

So you realize you made a mistake.  I hear ya.  I made em myself and believe me my children paid the price for it.  I had a choice, and I chose divorce.  I realized that I was immature, and that I based an important life decision out of that.  When one person realizes that they are ready to accept responsibility and "BE MATURE" and step up to do the right thing, they have to consider that the other person needs to find this as well, and if they are not ready, they are not ready.  You must either be patient and keep the faith, or give up and file.  

In hindsight, my choosing divorce was selfish.  I did not want or desire to give my life to God to take care of it according to his timing and will.  This is a faith issue.  Now, I have faith, and now I KNOW he is in control, and as a result, my behavior has changed, and I realized changing me, changes others. 

Many times though, by the time you realize this, your children have already deeply learned from your actions and unless they decide to think about it in a mature perspective, are bound to repeat the cycle.  

Interestingly, the more words that you have, the more risk for differing interpretations.  A wise quote from a very special person in my life told me this, "Love one another." Seems pretty simple.  Instead many people thought they heard "judge one another."   And I always say this to them, "Do you need a Q-tip?" 

What happened to the girl?  This girl needed to hear a message of love.  That her mother is there for her and she needs to do the right thing and go to her. She just needs someone to care about her.  She is wanting an abortion.  My job here is to help people see the right choices and take them even though they are scared.  She is looking for help,  I told  her to reach out to her mother.  There was no indication of abuse.  Just the normal Mom stuff..  I reminded her that her Mom loves her and worres about her and how important it is to reach out to her and build a relationship.  If the mother is abusive, I believe that she will feel comfortable to express this in the event she comes back.  

We have a serious mess on our hands..  But if I start picking up the trash, one piece at a time, one street at a time, one neighborhood at a time, I hope to inspire someone else to join me.  We are the community.  We are in this together.  With much love, Kate

 

 10/03/10

The Legacy of Divorce.

A man can only know what it is to be a man from the model of his father. A woman can only know what it is to be a woman from the model of her mother. If we did not have that model growing up, then we have to find that model out there somewhere. 

A man does not pollute
his body with substances that make him unable to protect.
He does not view pornography to guard his mind
and heart. He does not allow others to come against his wife or
children because he has no position of right and wrong. This man, when
he breaks his own free will, asks earnestly and humbly for correction
and direction, will THEN be blessed with a woman who is worthy of
him.

A woman loves. She is devoted and trusting to a man worthy of her. She is able to use her time wisely for the greater good in balance. Husband, children, community. IN THAT ORDER. When a husband does not stand firm in his resolve, IN HIS OBEDIENCE to doing the right thing for his family, It trickles down to the wife, children, and the community. CHAOS ensues.

When trust is broken, on either side, WE take matters in our own hands. Wives take jobs to become independent, reach out to others for support, become overwhelmed. Men escape by any means and the cycle continues. Pride, resentment, fear, anger, confusion and pain. Thus, the legacy of divorce.

The legacy of divorce leaves children crippled with confusion, fear, insecurity, anger, and most of all VULNERABLE. While parents are busy tending to jobs, finances, emotional problem, and stew in them, no one is really tending to the children deeply. We give them the basic necessities, but are too distracted to hear their cries of pain. They act out to get attention, and when they don't they get it at home, they go to school and the teacher gives the dreaded diagnosis.

‎"Your child is not able to sit still in class, Your child won't stop blurting out, Your child is distracting the class from our work today, Let's do an intervention with the 504 team and see what we can do to correct the problem! Um, your child has ADD/ADHD and is going to need drugs."

Please, as an advocate for our children and our world, I plead their cause. Stop wasting time taking drugs, overeating, watching porn, playing footsies with your secretary, texting the hot guy at the health club, etc. I know your hurting. I am sorry for your painful life. But your a grown up now. Act like it. 

It is not your fault, but if your reading this now, Try to think about your children and take responsibility for their security, stability, safety, and education.

If you have made a decision today to start working on this, please reach out to any professional that you can trust. Spiritually, cognitively, or relationally. This equates to a referred minister or pastor that is trusted by your friends, a qualified therapist that is actually good at what they do, or a wise friend t...hat can give you some good advice if you ASK for it.

Also, feel free to message me and I will do my best to help. www.thelionsden.org