Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
How does society help us become judges?
Excerpt taken from my Face book postings yesterday:
What does the United States of America mean to you? I ask what is UNITED???? Bent Media, Extreme Politics, and Extreme Religion are being used as vehicles to separate us from being UNITED as it should be.
WE SPEND ONE DAY A YEAR, JULY FOURTH, TO FEEL UNITED WATCHING FIREWORKS AND PIGGING ON HOT DOGS!! IT SHOULD BE EVERY DAY THAT WE ARE PROUD THAT WE ARE FREE? ARE WE REALLY?
Bent media (with commentary),
Extreme politics (which dramatize their points with emotional reasoning),
and Extreme Religion (which lacks tolerance for diversity, freedom of
choice, sexual orientation outside of norms for the culture, and the right for people to live their lives in self-determination) does an EXCELLENT JOB in making all of the noise that makes it difficult to carry on the WORK OF HELPING .
GOD GAVE US A BRAIN TO CRITICALLY discern if certain types of
noise, distracts us from our vision (which is a world of less chaos and
more peace), and calmly remove ourselves or turn off those noises that
impede productive thinking that help us to reach our ultimate goal to
helping others to have the peace they are seeking in their lives- which
leads to a world that Jesus Christ envisioned for us.
Jesus said "Love one another", not "Judge one another", does someone need a q-tip?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Legacy of Divorce
10/05/10
Yesterday a 17 year old walked into my shop. She had skipped school. Her mother dropped her off and went to work. She had unprotected sex with a boy she does not know or love, and thinks she may be pregnant.
She was late as of yesterday. She stated that she started a new acne medication and I believe that may be affecting her regular 28 day cycle. She had sex around the 10th day after her period started so, there is a good chance she may not pregnant. But she needs to wait a few days and think.
This got me to thinking about my blog post two days ago regarding The legacy of divorce. So, I figured why not just share my views here for those interested. I have to build a relationship with people in this community and what better way than share my day to day happenings on a forum such as this.
This was my thoughts after she left: Remember, I am a social worker with a deep interest in the macro level so it is on a larger scale perspective, so bare with me.
These problems are symptoms of a broken society.
The legacy of divorce has stripped away the faith and hope of marriage and its covenant to protect the family. Many couples don't get married in the first place because of this. Loss of faith has caused us to abandon our ideals and question our own abilities and expectations of marriage.
Why did we lose faith?
When married couples struggle to UNDERSTAND one another through open respectful dialogue, our modes of communication breakdown and we become reactive and irritated. The "reactive" behavior perceived by each spouse may be seen as disrespectful and negative. This may include "selfish, rude, inconsiderate, intolerable, angry, aggressive, hostile, abusive", etc. This may contribute to feeling more frustrated and now they may be lose their temper and begin acting out that anger in violence. Thus giving "reasons" to give up and divorce. Now some may argue, "I am not going to let an abusive person punch me." I agree with that, but hear me out.. This is important insight.
Why the frustration and anger that lead to abusive "reactive" behavior?
VOWS are words that have deep meaning for many. But like all words, are open to interpretation by the individual perspective. These differing perspectives change and adapt to differing levels of maturity, socio-economic status, and family origins. Deep frustration and hurt surface from, and I use this as a lack of a better word, "inconsiderations" out of ignorance, not MALICE.
Without the skill of COMMUNICATION, couples don't learn from one another and continue the road that leads to violence and eventual divorce. It looks like this:
Before anyone goes insane, they will "cope" with it with self defeating choices that are supposedly "justified." For example, shopping, overeating, compulsive behavior, being controlling, cheating, lying, neglecting your role as a spouse, yelling, working too much and neglecting children, etc. This cycle goes back and forth feeding off each event until you are completely hostile and volatile.. These outbursts just destroy the relationship and any hope of reconciliation.
When we are disgusted with ourselves and each other, we divorce. This usually happens when there is evidence of violence or an imminent threat of it.
How does this tie in to the 17 year old who is reaching out to a random guy for attention and affection? When Dad's are not around, kids are vulnerable.
What is the missing part that people are not getting?
Maturity. Maturity happens when we accept responsibility for our lives and see our actions as a direct correlation to our consequences. When a person no longer see's them self as a victim. Owns their behavior by accepting AND acting accordingly. Maturity brings a lot of wonderful things, but mostly perspective and understanding which ultimately leads to forgiveness and love.
So you realize you made a mistake. I hear ya. I made em myself and believe me my children paid the price for it. I had a choice, and I chose divorce. I realized that I was immature, and that I based an important life decision out of that. When one person realizes that they are ready to accept responsibility and "BE MATURE" and step up to do the right thing, they have to consider that the other person needs to find this as well, and if they are not ready, they are not ready. You must either be patient and keep the faith, or give up and file.
In hindsight, my choosing divorce was selfish. I did not want or desire to give my life to God to take care of it according to his timing and will. This is a faith issue. Now, I have faith, and now I KNOW he is in control, and as a result, my behavior has changed, and I realized changing me, changes others.
Many times though, by the time you realize this, your children have already deeply learned from your actions and unless they decide to think about it in a mature perspective, are bound to repeat the cycle.
Interestingly, the more words that you have, the more risk for differing interpretations. A wise quote from a very special person in my life told me this, "Love one another." Seems pretty simple. Instead many people thought they heard "judge one another." And I always say this to them, "Do you need a Q-tip?"
What happened to the girl? This girl needed to hear a message of love. That her mother is there for her and she needs to do the right thing and go to her. She just needs someone to care about her. She is wanting an abortion. My job here is to help people see the right choices and take them even though they are scared. She is looking for help, I told her to reach out to her mother. There was no indication of abuse. Just the normal Mom stuff.. I reminded her that her Mom loves her and worres about her and how important it is to reach out to her and build a relationship. If the mother is abusive, I believe that she will feel comfortable to express this in the event she comes back.
We have a serious mess on our hands.. But if I start picking up the trash, one piece at a time, one street at a time, one neighborhood at a time, I hope to inspire someone else to join me. We are the community. We are in this together. With much love, Kate
10/03/10
The Legacy of Divorce.
A man can only know what it is to be a man from the model of his father. A woman can only know what it is to be a woman from the model of her mother. If we did not have that model growing up, then we have to find that model out there somewhere.
A man does not pollute
his body with substances that make him unable to protect.
He does not view pornography to guard his mind
and heart. He does not allow others to come against his wife or
children because he has no position of right and wrong. This man, when
he breaks his own free will, asks earnestly and humbly for correction
and direction, will THEN be blessed with a woman who is worthy of
him.
A woman loves. She is devoted and trusting to a man worthy of her. She is able to use her time wisely for the greater good in balance. Husband, children, community. IN THAT ORDER. When a husband does not stand firm in his resolve, IN HIS OBEDIENCE to doing the right thing for his family, It trickles down to the wife, children, and the community. CHAOS ensues.
When trust is broken, on either side, WE take matters in our own hands. Wives take jobs to become independent, reach out to others for support, become overwhelmed. Men escape by any means and the cycle continues. Pride, resentment, fear, anger, confusion and pain. Thus, the legacy of divorce.
The legacy of divorce leaves children crippled with confusion, fear, insecurity, anger, and most of all VULNERABLE. While parents are busy tending to jobs, finances, emotional problem, and stew in them, no one is really tending to the children deeply. We give them the basic necessities, but are too distracted to hear their cries of pain. They act out to get attention, and when they don't they get it at home, they go to school and the teacher gives the dreaded diagnosis.
"Your child is not able to sit still in class, Your child won't stop blurting out, Your child is distracting the class from our work today, Let's do an intervention with the 504 team and see what we can do to correct the problem! Um, your child has ADD/ADHD and is going to need drugs."
Please, as an advocate for our children and our world, I plead their cause. Stop wasting time taking drugs, overeating, watching porn, playing footsies with your secretary, texting the hot guy at the health club, etc. I know your hurting. I am sorry for your painful life. But your a grown up now. Act like it.
It is not your fault, but if your reading this now, Try to think about your children and take responsibility for their security, stability, safety, and education.
If you have made a decision today to start working on this, please reach out to any professional that you can trust. Spiritually, cognitively, or relationally. This equates to a referred minister or pastor that is trusted by your friends, a qualified therapist that is actually good at what they do, or a wise friend t...hat can give you some good advice if you ASK for it.
Also, feel free to message me and I will do my best to help. www.thelionsden.org
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Disheartened by Dishonesty
It seems to me that our desire for power drives the horrific destruction of mankind. Ever since we have technologically advanced, we have become more creative and diabolical in devising schemes to obtain more. The ability to travel and take over masses of land with weaponry has brought us to the brink of mass destruction. It is truly the survival of the fittest. No matter how good you are, or how fair you are, you have to watch out for yourself. Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that people who won't step up to take control of their life and continually giving them handouts year after year is a complete and utter waste. Those who truly need help are in the same lot with the group who don't need it and have manipulated the system - which has polluted the whole idea of helping those less fortunate. To continue to nurse those less fortunate and weaker than ourselves who choose this life only cripples us as a society in enabling them to continue to milk scarce resources as well as instilling deep skepticism within our culture. It is very hard to decide who is truly needy and who is not without making judgments. Everyday, I am lied to blatantly as a caseworker, and being too smart for my own good makes me resent them playing me as a fool. Then I have to look at myself ethically and realize that I cannot judge. Knowing that resources are being wasted and knowing how that affects me in the long run annoys me terribly. : ( I think I am going to suck at being a social worker and have begun to look at other career options. Who knows what the future holds for mankind.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Children of America
This post as it relates to the Future of America, is about children. Children are our future, and there are multitudes of children who have suffered and are suffering at this very moment. Somewhere out there right now is a child who is sleeping cold, or hungry. Somewhere out there at right now is a child listening to parents screaming and arguing through the walls. Somewhere out there right now is a child or teenager that is being abused sexually by a relative, friend, or even a neighbor. Somewhere out there is a child who talks to their parent, only to be ignored or brushed off from parents too busy or too stressed out, or too preoccupied with their personal issues to even sign a folder or acknowledge what happened at school. Or on the flip side, a parent may be overly critical, overbearing, controlling and obsessive and have a tendency to smother and intimidate their children. In turn, this creates intense fear and stifles creativity and the opportunity to develop critical thinking. Those are just a few examples, and the list could go on and on. Unfortunately these young impressionable children do not have any intellectual tools to discern right and wrong in an order to protect themselves and blindly accept this abuse- many times feeling guilty or at fault and take on a great deal of shame. This toxic shame becomes maladaptive and leads to many disorders and addictions as a means to cope. There is a good chance if you can identify with any of these scenarios, that you may have experienced some of that growing up. Unfortunately, I have to admit that my own children were affected by abuse, and as their mother, I hope to impart to them my deepest apologies for their needless suffering. This post is for them and it is for you.
Unfortunately, without loving and caring parent's making healthy choices for children, situations and circumstances place children in high risk situations that create environments that are not conducive to learning and growing emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually. If they live in abuse, they learn how to abuse. If they live neglected, they will not develop as they should and will lag behind their peers on many levels. This gap tends to isolate and alienate these children from the group and they become increasingly frustrated socially and move toward seclusion to avoid rejection. This can lead to more isolation and without having opportunities to practice social situations, leaves them relationally inept and emotionally / intellectually immature. For many of those, they will carry on their parents legacy into the next generation unknowingly and many times continue the needless suffering.
A parents primary responsibility and moral obligation to their children is to impart information so that they can find their way through life, so that they may discover who they are, and what they have to offer the world. So many times children's problems come from a lack of good parenting. As a social worker I see this over and over, and am realizing that I was once like that, and still am sometimes, but I believe I have moved forward, made progress and have gained insight and maturity from being a brave and loving mother. It all begins with being honest with yourself.
For my children- Steven, Kaity and Jojo. I promise to always try to be honest with myself and grow as a mother and friend to you. I am sorry for the things that I did and did not do. Many times I was irresponsible and will not excuse myself as this post is about validating your hurt and pain that my actions caused you. I promise to leave a legacy to you and to do my best til the day I die to give you everything that you need within my power. I love you with all my heart.
If you were abused or neglected and feel sadness, hopelessness and/or a heart filled with pain, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your hardship and loss because of your parent's/caregivers choices. I know that you are hurting and I wish I could hug you, hold you, touch your hair, hold your hand, kiss you, and tell you how special you are. I wish I could be your mother so I could tell you the things that I know you need to hear. I hurt for you too, and wish you love with all my heart.
If you are feeling touched by what I said, and are not a child who lived a painful childhood, but know someone who has, please direct them to this blog. It is my hope that they will find comfort, understanding, honesty, and hope.
The purpose of this post is to help those affected. It is to introduce the basic principals needed to begin the process of healing, so they can find happiness and peace in life.
Some people bring children into this world with intent, purpose and a plan. Then there are those who do so as a result of no planning or an impulse to satisfy some need or selfish desire within themselves. Then- there are others that bring children into the world to simply gain access to services and benefits via a 9-digit free pass that their children are granted from simply being born on our soil. This reward gains them access to housing, food, medical care and cash assistance. Some are the product of unwanted pregnancy due to crimes. No matter the reason though, parents, for the most part, are truly not prepared for the reality of the profound obligation and responsibility of being a parent. Coming into parenting without skill, practice, support, knowledge, awareness, or maturity can really create a recipe for disaster. Many times, these parents are simply ignorant, immature, impulsive, or unaware of important pieces of information. These factors are the keys to becoming successful in many areas of their life- but for the sake of this post- SUCCESSFUL PARENTING.
Children are eager to learn about the world and themselves. They are hungry for information and affirmation and need to know that they are loved and wanted. They are also Enthusiastic about the beautiful and intricate wonders of nature and raw energy that the earth and all species that inhabit it exhibit. This beautiful innocence and wonder is poisoned and crushed in a home of abuse, and/or neglect.
Children of Abuse/Neglect:
I want to talk to you today from my heart. No matter what your story. No matter what has happened. You are here today- right now- reading this blog- moving through time and living in the present. You are here because you were supposed to read this. This is for you.
If you lived in a home, where your caregiver (could be mom, dad, granny, gramps, aunt, uncle, foster parent, etc. ) did not meet your physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, needs and expectations, then you may be suffering from anger, resentment, and bitterness toward them as well as disgust and hatred for your life and the loss of your opportunities as a child. I want to share my experience with you as a mother over my children so that you can begin to understand your parents.
Presently, you might be filled with emotions. Those feelings- if they are negative- can be a barrier to your success in your future. These feelings- which may be strong and negative about yourself, or your family- will prevent you from experiencing true happiness and success. What does that mean to be happy? What does it mean to be successful? Gosh, those might be a tougher questions than you would originally think. This post is to give insight, encourage, and motivate you to move forward. Moving forward may be a slow process. There may be times that your taking two steps forward, and one step back. All growth is this way. Don't lose hope because deep inside you is the ability to take back YOUR life, realize who you are, become aware of your talents, gifts, and skills, but also to honestly appraise weakness at face value and make a plan to bring your life in balance so that you can organize and take action to take back your life that is rightfully yours! Don't allow anyone alive or dead to have the power to control your future. Know that you are the only one in control of your future. It is just a decision to make it happen. At any cost.
The first step to move forward toward your happy successful life is to make an attempt to understand the full picture of your caregiver's situation. This requires a great deal of maturity, as well as creating a mind-set that is focused on being successful ABOVE being a victim.
Letting go of your history as a victim is easier said than done and may take many years to finally make the decision to choose life over death. LIFE = being liberated from a painful past to excel and succeed on your own personal path. DEATH = complaining about what you missed out on, or what your abuser/neglectful caregiver did or did not do to/for you AND MISSING OUT ON OPPORTUNITIES WHILE your looking in the past. Death is also accompanied by pervasive feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger about the injustices that took place.
CAUTION!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM A LONG TIME AND IT IS A HABITUAL AND PERVASIVE MINDSET THAT YOU HAVE CREATED TO SURVIVE. IT WILL NOT BE EASY TO SHAKE AND IS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE THAT YOU WILL FACE IN MOVING TOWARD SUCCESS.
Before we go further, I feel I need to earn your trust by being very transparent. Maybe you can find a little truth for yourself in some part of our story, and begin to understand where your parents may have been, or perhaps where you fit in in relation to your family and its own unique issues. I think it is important that you know that I am a survivor of a tragic past. I tell you that not for sympathy, but as a transparent point to begin understanding about the cycle of abuse from a generational perspective. I can only hope that you will do as I hope that I have done, and that is to stop the cycle of abuse onto your own family and children. I lost so many opportunities in my life to achieve my dreams and realize my true talents. Because of this ANGER over my loss, I carried many chips on my shoulders for so many years. I am sure that I still have a few. I would cry about my life to anyone who would listen for many, many years. It was the way I survived. I married at 19 for security because I was afraid to be alone. In hindsight, I realize I did not marry for love. I did not know what love is. I did not know any of this at the time, but maturity has helped me to see the truth in that, and for that, I deeply regret hurting my children's father and exposing my children to that life. I had no foresight of where my life was going, nor any cognitive awareness of the consequences of my choices. Living in a violent home kept me from emotionally developing, and as a result paved the way to a careless young adulthood.
I love my children deeply and it was this instinctive love that drove me to find solutions to my problems and to find a better way. I am who I am because of my children. Wanting them to be happy was the motivation for me to find myself and give them a better life. I hated the way that I was hurting them out of ignorance, frustration, and depression. I realize that although I tried my best, in comparison to some of their friends, my trying my best was simply not enough. That expectation from them is normal, and having resentment toward me is understandable. After all, they did not ask to be born, and all children deserve to be brought into this world with love, support and opportunities. But in reality, life is life.
About my children:
First of all, my son Steven, who is 22 years old, supposedly had ADHD. He was a very challenging child to raise- according to MY PERCEPTION at the time. You should know, however I was very young (19). I had very little communication, problem solving, and negotiation skills. I was very immature, and had very little social support.
Steven's desire to please me with little gifts and kisses and entertaining me to "make" me happy made him very susceptible to damaging words and statements that were not intended to be malicious nor hurtful, but out of sheer frustration and ignorance, it did happen. That is reality. All children need to hear good things about them. They need encouragement and need to be taught about life and love. Unfortunately Steven was exposed to temper tantrums, outbursts of frustration and anger born out of my failing as a mother and a wife, and him being neglected due to my depression and mental problems. Steven absorbed all that negative energy. I NOW BELIEVE NOW HE WAS NOT ANY MORE DIFFICULT THAN ANY OTHER CHILD- But that I was a very unskilled parent with many problems, and the task of parenting him by ME was challenging and difficult. He did not deserve that label because of my inablilites. I think that is very important because you may have been told that you were a pain in the ass, and that your parents did everything they could but you, but it was YOU that was difficult. Do not accept that as 100% truth. You may have been difficult, and they may have been troubled, and together the combination was extremely challenging, but remember that you were the child and it was their responsibility to do their best and take care of your needs. If they failed and want to blame you, you cannot change that. All you can do is decide what you want from your life now and take action on making that happen. You cannot be successful in life looking in the rear view mirror and not watching the road. Eventually you will crash from not seeing what is in front of you.
Kaity- My daughter Kaity is 17 and is the sweetest, kindest, and most gentle person I know. She is delicate, precious, and thoughtful. She endured so much of the yelling and screaming and was silent. Her pain was always internalized and her escape was in artistic expression through music, writing, and art. She was always wanting to take care of me and make me feel better when I was upset. She could not be the one taken care of, because there was no one there for her. Her loneliness was always present. She needed someone to be there for her and she never ever asked or demanded a thing. My selfish choices to engage myself in bad relationships left nothing for her, and again, she ended up feeling alone. I was so many times thoughtless and immature and she was always so gracious, loving, and forgiving of me. I am afraid she is going to always give to everyone and always feel empty because she could never expect more from me. She always got the short end of the stick on everything. I hope that I will give her all the love and support she needs from here on out.
Jojo. She is 3. She seems to be doing very well, and I hope to continue to be a good mother to her and give her the information and nurturing that she needs to be happy and successful in her life.
What to do?
Making the decision:
After you realize that being a victim is no longer paying you off the dividends it once did and you choose life, then the healing must begin. Forgiveness only comes through understanding and realizing that it is not for them, but to release you from the power that the pain has in your life. Forgiveness is not something that you have to agree to with the abuser. If they are stubborn and not willing to accept responsibility, then it will only continue to hurt. To move forward is to let go. Its hard to run forward with tons of weight attached to your body. Dump the crap through forgiveness and begin to find people around you that have good character and that encourage you. If you hang out with those who are negative, abusive, irresponsible, and unmotivated- then you will be the same.. Find those people that you admire and make an effort to spend more time with honorable and trustworthy people.
Self discovery:
Now that your not obsessing about the crap, you have more time to think about the world. To think about your dreams. To explore your strengths. Start reading about or researching things that you find interesting and fascinating. Begin to identify where you need to work. If your communication skills are questionable or you feel lost, find a trusted friend or a counselor to give you advice on how to go about figuring out what makes you tick, what motivates you. Start with building your values. What is important to you? Values are the principles that are important to us. They can be anything from self improvement, service, friendship, honesty, integrity, health, career, family, responsibility, financial success, passion, transparency, dignity, altruism (unselfish concern for others). A sincere effort in researching "personal values" will help you do define what is important for you. You need to discover who you are and what you would like to become.
Taking action:
Now is the time to practice your decisions by making choices that reflect your values. It is the time to weed out people you see as an obstacle and invite opportunities to build your new world. Taking time to organize and plan your future with goal-setting. New skills must be learned. Communication and assertiveness are important in the action phase, so if you lack those skills, they must be learned in order to move forward as all success comes through reaching out to others in healthy ways through effective communication.
Follow-up and evaluate progress:
This is essential to see that your on track. Systematic evaluation and self assessment must be followed through with daily, monthly and yearly. Have a trusted friend be a good source of feedback to help your perspective be more objective and quantifiable.
I hope that you enjoyed reading this post. Please feel free to leave a comment or share something that you feel would benefit someone else.
Unfortunately, without loving and caring parent's making healthy choices for children, situations and circumstances place children in high risk situations that create environments that are not conducive to learning and growing emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually. If they live in abuse, they learn how to abuse. If they live neglected, they will not develop as they should and will lag behind their peers on many levels. This gap tends to isolate and alienate these children from the group and they become increasingly frustrated socially and move toward seclusion to avoid rejection. This can lead to more isolation and without having opportunities to practice social situations, leaves them relationally inept and emotionally / intellectually immature. For many of those, they will carry on their parents legacy into the next generation unknowingly and many times continue the needless suffering.
A parents primary responsibility and moral obligation to their children is to impart information so that they can find their way through life, so that they may discover who they are, and what they have to offer the world. So many times children's problems come from a lack of good parenting. As a social worker I see this over and over, and am realizing that I was once like that, and still am sometimes, but I believe I have moved forward, made progress and have gained insight and maturity from being a brave and loving mother. It all begins with being honest with yourself.
For my children- Steven, Kaity and Jojo. I promise to always try to be honest with myself and grow as a mother and friend to you. I am sorry for the things that I did and did not do. Many times I was irresponsible and will not excuse myself as this post is about validating your hurt and pain that my actions caused you. I promise to leave a legacy to you and to do my best til the day I die to give you everything that you need within my power. I love you with all my heart.
If you were abused or neglected and feel sadness, hopelessness and/or a heart filled with pain, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your hardship and loss because of your parent's/caregivers choices. I know that you are hurting and I wish I could hug you, hold you, touch your hair, hold your hand, kiss you, and tell you how special you are. I wish I could be your mother so I could tell you the things that I know you need to hear. I hurt for you too, and wish you love with all my heart.
If you are feeling touched by what I said, and are not a child who lived a painful childhood, but know someone who has, please direct them to this blog. It is my hope that they will find comfort, understanding, honesty, and hope.
The purpose of this post is to help those affected. It is to introduce the basic principals needed to begin the process of healing, so they can find happiness and peace in life.
Some people bring children into this world with intent, purpose and a plan. Then there are those who do so as a result of no planning or an impulse to satisfy some need or selfish desire within themselves. Then- there are others that bring children into the world to simply gain access to services and benefits via a 9-digit free pass that their children are granted from simply being born on our soil. This reward gains them access to housing, food, medical care and cash assistance. Some are the product of unwanted pregnancy due to crimes. No matter the reason though, parents, for the most part, are truly not prepared for the reality of the profound obligation and responsibility of being a parent. Coming into parenting without skill, practice, support, knowledge, awareness, or maturity can really create a recipe for disaster. Many times, these parents are simply ignorant, immature, impulsive, or unaware of important pieces of information. These factors are the keys to becoming successful in many areas of their life- but for the sake of this post- SUCCESSFUL PARENTING.
Children are eager to learn about the world and themselves. They are hungry for information and affirmation and need to know that they are loved and wanted. They are also Enthusiastic about the beautiful and intricate wonders of nature and raw energy that the earth and all species that inhabit it exhibit. This beautiful innocence and wonder is poisoned and crushed in a home of abuse, and/or neglect.
Children of Abuse/Neglect:
I want to talk to you today from my heart. No matter what your story. No matter what has happened. You are here today- right now- reading this blog- moving through time and living in the present. You are here because you were supposed to read this. This is for you.
If you lived in a home, where your caregiver (could be mom, dad, granny, gramps, aunt, uncle, foster parent, etc. ) did not meet your physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, needs and expectations, then you may be suffering from anger, resentment, and bitterness toward them as well as disgust and hatred for your life and the loss of your opportunities as a child. I want to share my experience with you as a mother over my children so that you can begin to understand your parents.
Presently, you might be filled with emotions. Those feelings- if they are negative- can be a barrier to your success in your future. These feelings- which may be strong and negative about yourself, or your family- will prevent you from experiencing true happiness and success. What does that mean to be happy? What does it mean to be successful? Gosh, those might be a tougher questions than you would originally think. This post is to give insight, encourage, and motivate you to move forward. Moving forward may be a slow process. There may be times that your taking two steps forward, and one step back. All growth is this way. Don't lose hope because deep inside you is the ability to take back YOUR life, realize who you are, become aware of your talents, gifts, and skills, but also to honestly appraise weakness at face value and make a plan to bring your life in balance so that you can organize and take action to take back your life that is rightfully yours! Don't allow anyone alive or dead to have the power to control your future. Know that you are the only one in control of your future. It is just a decision to make it happen. At any cost.
The first step to move forward toward your happy successful life is to make an attempt to understand the full picture of your caregiver's situation. This requires a great deal of maturity, as well as creating a mind-set that is focused on being successful ABOVE being a victim.
Letting go of your history as a victim is easier said than done and may take many years to finally make the decision to choose life over death. LIFE = being liberated from a painful past to excel and succeed on your own personal path. DEATH = complaining about what you missed out on, or what your abuser/neglectful caregiver did or did not do to/for you AND MISSING OUT ON OPPORTUNITIES WHILE your looking in the past. Death is also accompanied by pervasive feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger about the injustices that took place.
CAUTION!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM A LONG TIME AND IT IS A HABITUAL AND PERVASIVE MINDSET THAT YOU HAVE CREATED TO SURVIVE. IT WILL NOT BE EASY TO SHAKE AND IS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE THAT YOU WILL FACE IN MOVING TOWARD SUCCESS.
Before we go further, I feel I need to earn your trust by being very transparent. Maybe you can find a little truth for yourself in some part of our story, and begin to understand where your parents may have been, or perhaps where you fit in in relation to your family and its own unique issues. I think it is important that you know that I am a survivor of a tragic past. I tell you that not for sympathy, but as a transparent point to begin understanding about the cycle of abuse from a generational perspective. I can only hope that you will do as I hope that I have done, and that is to stop the cycle of abuse onto your own family and children. I lost so many opportunities in my life to achieve my dreams and realize my true talents. Because of this ANGER over my loss, I carried many chips on my shoulders for so many years. I am sure that I still have a few. I would cry about my life to anyone who would listen for many, many years. It was the way I survived. I married at 19 for security because I was afraid to be alone. In hindsight, I realize I did not marry for love. I did not know what love is. I did not know any of this at the time, but maturity has helped me to see the truth in that, and for that, I deeply regret hurting my children's father and exposing my children to that life. I had no foresight of where my life was going, nor any cognitive awareness of the consequences of my choices. Living in a violent home kept me from emotionally developing, and as a result paved the way to a careless young adulthood.
I love my children deeply and it was this instinctive love that drove me to find solutions to my problems and to find a better way. I am who I am because of my children. Wanting them to be happy was the motivation for me to find myself and give them a better life. I hated the way that I was hurting them out of ignorance, frustration, and depression. I realize that although I tried my best, in comparison to some of their friends, my trying my best was simply not enough. That expectation from them is normal, and having resentment toward me is understandable. After all, they did not ask to be born, and all children deserve to be brought into this world with love, support and opportunities. But in reality, life is life.
About my children:
First of all, my son Steven, who is 22 years old, supposedly had ADHD. He was a very challenging child to raise- according to MY PERCEPTION at the time. You should know, however I was very young (19). I had very little communication, problem solving, and negotiation skills. I was very immature, and had very little social support.
Steven's desire to please me with little gifts and kisses and entertaining me to "make" me happy made him very susceptible to damaging words and statements that were not intended to be malicious nor hurtful, but out of sheer frustration and ignorance, it did happen. That is reality. All children need to hear good things about them. They need encouragement and need to be taught about life and love. Unfortunately Steven was exposed to temper tantrums, outbursts of frustration and anger born out of my failing as a mother and a wife, and him being neglected due to my depression and mental problems. Steven absorbed all that negative energy. I NOW BELIEVE NOW HE WAS NOT ANY MORE DIFFICULT THAN ANY OTHER CHILD- But that I was a very unskilled parent with many problems, and the task of parenting him by ME was challenging and difficult. He did not deserve that label because of my inablilites. I think that is very important because you may have been told that you were a pain in the ass, and that your parents did everything they could but you, but it was YOU that was difficult. Do not accept that as 100% truth. You may have been difficult, and they may have been troubled, and together the combination was extremely challenging, but remember that you were the child and it was their responsibility to do their best and take care of your needs. If they failed and want to blame you, you cannot change that. All you can do is decide what you want from your life now and take action on making that happen. You cannot be successful in life looking in the rear view mirror and not watching the road. Eventually you will crash from not seeing what is in front of you.
Kaity- My daughter Kaity is 17 and is the sweetest, kindest, and most gentle person I know. She is delicate, precious, and thoughtful. She endured so much of the yelling and screaming and was silent. Her pain was always internalized and her escape was in artistic expression through music, writing, and art. She was always wanting to take care of me and make me feel better when I was upset. She could not be the one taken care of, because there was no one there for her. Her loneliness was always present. She needed someone to be there for her and she never ever asked or demanded a thing. My selfish choices to engage myself in bad relationships left nothing for her, and again, she ended up feeling alone. I was so many times thoughtless and immature and she was always so gracious, loving, and forgiving of me. I am afraid she is going to always give to everyone and always feel empty because she could never expect more from me. She always got the short end of the stick on everything. I hope that I will give her all the love and support she needs from here on out.
Jojo. She is 3. She seems to be doing very well, and I hope to continue to be a good mother to her and give her the information and nurturing that she needs to be happy and successful in her life.
What to do?
Making the decision:
After you realize that being a victim is no longer paying you off the dividends it once did and you choose life, then the healing must begin. Forgiveness only comes through understanding and realizing that it is not for them, but to release you from the power that the pain has in your life. Forgiveness is not something that you have to agree to with the abuser. If they are stubborn and not willing to accept responsibility, then it will only continue to hurt. To move forward is to let go. Its hard to run forward with tons of weight attached to your body. Dump the crap through forgiveness and begin to find people around you that have good character and that encourage you. If you hang out with those who are negative, abusive, irresponsible, and unmotivated- then you will be the same.. Find those people that you admire and make an effort to spend more time with honorable and trustworthy people.
Self discovery:
Now that your not obsessing about the crap, you have more time to think about the world. To think about your dreams. To explore your strengths. Start reading about or researching things that you find interesting and fascinating. Begin to identify where you need to work. If your communication skills are questionable or you feel lost, find a trusted friend or a counselor to give you advice on how to go about figuring out what makes you tick, what motivates you. Start with building your values. What is important to you? Values are the principles that are important to us. They can be anything from self improvement, service, friendship, honesty, integrity, health, career, family, responsibility, financial success, passion, transparency, dignity, altruism (unselfish concern for others). A sincere effort in researching "personal values" will help you do define what is important for you. You need to discover who you are and what you would like to become.
Taking action:
Now is the time to practice your decisions by making choices that reflect your values. It is the time to weed out people you see as an obstacle and invite opportunities to build your new world. Taking time to organize and plan your future with goal-setting. New skills must be learned. Communication and assertiveness are important in the action phase, so if you lack those skills, they must be learned in order to move forward as all success comes through reaching out to others in healthy ways through effective communication.
Follow-up and evaluate progress:
This is essential to see that your on track. Systematic evaluation and self assessment must be followed through with daily, monthly and yearly. Have a trusted friend be a good source of feedback to help your perspective be more objective and quantifiable.
I hope that you enjoyed reading this post. Please feel free to leave a comment or share something that you feel would benefit someone else.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I chose social work because I am deeply passionate about helping people. In particular, young people who feel helpless about their future. This can be due to possible perceptions of limited opportunities, frustration of not having social support and structure to help them build skills for living in a civilized and solution-focused society, or spending valuable energy coping with meeting basic needs due to living in poverty or abuse.
My life long aspiration (aka pipedream) is to organize a committee of professionals in diverse fields to oversee a longitudinal research study that will develop, and implement a character education curriculum to service the K-12 Public education system in target population areas. I believe that these eventual outcomes of comparative values can be measured from these targeted pilot areas that have the program in place with those of communities with similar economic and ethnic profiles that do not.
I believe analyzing measurable things such as depression, suicide risk, teen pregnancy, drop out rates, college bound statistics, grades, social efficacy, gang activity, and relationship violence will be good indicators of progress to illustrate to Congress the economical advantage of spending money proactively (with education and prevention) versus reactive (in social service spending to deal with the aforementioned problems) It is important to illustrate this for those who make policy, on how this ends up saving tax payer money in the long run.
If we can prove this with careful and methodical results, I believe that, in a collaborative effort, we can modify, or adapt the goals of the Public education system and shape new legislation that will be inclusive of recognizing the need for more support for families in communities.
Young people will learn the values and importance of good citizenship, effective communication, tolerance of diversity and mutual respect for people from all walks of life, especially respect for elders and authority figures.
In addition, by using the already existing school buildings, and developing more readily-accessible family support programs for adults and children- which can range anywhere from parenting classes to budgeting; relationship skill building to self-awareness and self-improvement sessions- that perhaps these professionally led sessions will provide educational and informational opportunities to help empower communities as well as reduce the many aspects of human suffering that occurs in our private homes and within the neighborhoods.
In the K-12 character education program, my hope is that children will have an opportunity to learn valuable social skills, regardless of parents ability or motivation. Our young people will also learn about themselves- they will discover their strengths, gifts and talents in order to pursue their personal goals and dreams in life. Not only will this assist in the development of these children, but provide horizontal support to families, as well as people in the community. In the long run, this will impact each and every American- as we are all affected by a system that is broken.
This great nation, can become even greater if we embrace the need to address humanitarian issues as we do economic ones. I believe with a more educated population- making better choices; we can do even greater things.
So much money is spent managing and delivering social programs and services. Unfortunately, these programs are perceived by many to simply sweep societal ills under the rug by giving handouts. Without accountability of recipients making forward progress- within a reasonable and effective system, Americans tire of dealing with the cycle of poverty and feel helpless and robbed because they do not feel their money is being spent productively.
Out of frustration, there is a tendency to blame recipients for taking advantage and exploiting the system.
Rather than asking the question, "Is the delivery and structure of the current system really reasonable and streamlined to provide the best delivery for people?"
" Is it really getting to the bottom of the problem and working directly and deliberately to address the issues that create these unfortunate circumstances to begin with?"
The intention of teaching people how to "fish for themselves", does not come in providing a quick job or brief resolution counseling, but in careful investment of our children and their families and neighbors within programs that work to really build people up to feel a sense of purpose, meaning and personal responsibility to themselves, their families as well as their communities.
I believe that when there are creative solutions, and a transparent intention to empower and instill pride and ownership in our people (within reasonable expectations and guidelines,) that true progress from our monies allocated for social services can be realized.
In the heart of all Americans- Republicans, Democrats, and Independents with common sense and a true concern for Humanity want to know that money is being spent wisely and that people are going to be in a better place eventually so that recipients can take responsibility for themselves.
Of course, in reality there are always going to be those who abuse the system- as with all things in every aspect of life. I am not aiming to change that behavior because wasting energy trying to control a few of the bad apples only takes away from those, who like me, will utilize and capitalize on opportunities that are beneficial for the long run. We can only hope that in the long run, those that do abuse and exploit the system, will come to trust a system that truly wants everyone to have an equal opportunity, and in turn- do the right thing.
An analogy that I made up- since I am 41- and just now getting around to graduating is:
It takes some people longer to reach their destination, especially if they did not have a car.
The analogy is that the "car" is basically a person's net resources that they are born into, ie. skilled and healthy parents, financial security, capitalized growth opportunities as a young adolescent from educators, advisors, faith organizations, etc.. If those things were not available or perhaps even non-existent; a person might just be inclined to accept this as reality and just exist day-to-day.
I believe that most people if given information, and provided choices that eradicate helplessness - would begin to realize their potential, strengths, talents, and gifts/skills, and make a cognizant and deliberate decision to let go of a painful past or a life of limited exposure to valuable resources. That they will choose to brush the chips off their shoulders, and take full responsibility for their success and happiness regardless of their "lot in life," and eventually- hopefully- end up where I am, that being successful in their pursuit of realizing those hopes and dreams and in reality, moving toward happiness and making progress by not allowing anyone (alive or dead)- or any circumstance- the power to strip away their potential or possibilities of all that life has to offer.
I look in the mirror everyday and tell myself, "you are not giving up today, that is not an option. No matter how tired you feel, God has made provisions for you to sustain this situation, and know that 7 months from now, when you walk across that stage, It will be an unbelievable feeling that you will carry with you until the day you die."
My life long aspiration (aka pipedream) is to organize a committee of professionals in diverse fields to oversee a longitudinal research study that will develop, and implement a character education curriculum to service the K-12 Public education system in target population areas. I believe that these eventual outcomes of comparative values can be measured from these targeted pilot areas that have the program in place with those of communities with similar economic and ethnic profiles that do not.
I believe analyzing measurable things such as depression, suicide risk, teen pregnancy, drop out rates, college bound statistics, grades, social efficacy, gang activity, and relationship violence will be good indicators of progress to illustrate to Congress the economical advantage of spending money proactively (with education and prevention) versus reactive (in social service spending to deal with the aforementioned problems) It is important to illustrate this for those who make policy, on how this ends up saving tax payer money in the long run.
If we can prove this with careful and methodical results, I believe that, in a collaborative effort, we can modify, or adapt the goals of the Public education system and shape new legislation that will be inclusive of recognizing the need for more support for families in communities.
Young people will learn the values and importance of good citizenship, effective communication, tolerance of diversity and mutual respect for people from all walks of life, especially respect for elders and authority figures.
In addition, by using the already existing school buildings, and developing more readily-accessible family support programs for adults and children- which can range anywhere from parenting classes to budgeting; relationship skill building to self-awareness and self-improvement sessions- that perhaps these professionally led sessions will provide educational and informational opportunities to help empower communities as well as reduce the many aspects of human suffering that occurs in our private homes and within the neighborhoods.
In the K-12 character education program, my hope is that children will have an opportunity to learn valuable social skills, regardless of parents ability or motivation. Our young people will also learn about themselves- they will discover their strengths, gifts and talents in order to pursue their personal goals and dreams in life. Not only will this assist in the development of these children, but provide horizontal support to families, as well as people in the community. In the long run, this will impact each and every American- as we are all affected by a system that is broken.
This great nation, can become even greater if we embrace the need to address humanitarian issues as we do economic ones. I believe with a more educated population- making better choices; we can do even greater things.
So much money is spent managing and delivering social programs and services. Unfortunately, these programs are perceived by many to simply sweep societal ills under the rug by giving handouts. Without accountability of recipients making forward progress- within a reasonable and effective system, Americans tire of dealing with the cycle of poverty and feel helpless and robbed because they do not feel their money is being spent productively.
Out of frustration, there is a tendency to blame recipients for taking advantage and exploiting the system.
Rather than asking the question, "Is the delivery and structure of the current system really reasonable and streamlined to provide the best delivery for people?"
" Is it really getting to the bottom of the problem and working directly and deliberately to address the issues that create these unfortunate circumstances to begin with?"
The intention of teaching people how to "fish for themselves", does not come in providing a quick job or brief resolution counseling, but in careful investment of our children and their families and neighbors within programs that work to really build people up to feel a sense of purpose, meaning and personal responsibility to themselves, their families as well as their communities.
I believe that when there are creative solutions, and a transparent intention to empower and instill pride and ownership in our people (within reasonable expectations and guidelines,) that true progress from our monies allocated for social services can be realized.
In the heart of all Americans- Republicans, Democrats, and Independents with common sense and a true concern for Humanity want to know that money is being spent wisely and that people are going to be in a better place eventually so that recipients can take responsibility for themselves.
Of course, in reality there are always going to be those who abuse the system- as with all things in every aspect of life. I am not aiming to change that behavior because wasting energy trying to control a few of the bad apples only takes away from those, who like me, will utilize and capitalize on opportunities that are beneficial for the long run. We can only hope that in the long run, those that do abuse and exploit the system, will come to trust a system that truly wants everyone to have an equal opportunity, and in turn- do the right thing.
An analogy that I made up- since I am 41- and just now getting around to graduating is:
It takes some people longer to reach their destination, especially if they did not have a car.
The analogy is that the "car" is basically a person's net resources that they are born into, ie. skilled and healthy parents, financial security, capitalized growth opportunities as a young adolescent from educators, advisors, faith organizations, etc.. If those things were not available or perhaps even non-existent; a person might just be inclined to accept this as reality and just exist day-to-day.
I believe that most people if given information, and provided choices that eradicate helplessness - would begin to realize their potential, strengths, talents, and gifts/skills, and make a cognizant and deliberate decision to let go of a painful past or a life of limited exposure to valuable resources. That they will choose to brush the chips off their shoulders, and take full responsibility for their success and happiness regardless of their "lot in life," and eventually- hopefully- end up where I am, that being successful in their pursuit of realizing those hopes and dreams and in reality, moving toward happiness and making progress by not allowing anyone (alive or dead)- or any circumstance- the power to strip away their potential or possibilities of all that life has to offer.
I look in the mirror everyday and tell myself, "you are not giving up today, that is not an option. No matter how tired you feel, God has made provisions for you to sustain this situation, and know that 7 months from now, when you walk across that stage, It will be an unbelievable feeling that you will carry with you until the day you die."
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I went to the Fort Worth Star-telegram to read Mr. McCullough's apology, however it was at that time, I was made aware, that the prompting of his apology came not from the burden he created on the students to actually VIEW the address, but of the backlash he was receiving from citizens regarding his decision to authorize a half-day's pass to 5th graders to go the Dallas Cowboy's Stadium to hear a George W. Bush lecture. This added insult to injury.
Based on new this information, and since he acted alone in this decision according to the district, he did an enormous disservice to our students in his sole decision to allow a 30 minute pass for students to leave the campus to VIEW the address OFF CAMPUS provided they bring a signed permission slip with them. This was very disturbing to me first and foremost to place the burden on those who wished to view it, instead of placing the burden on those whose parents were in opposition and did not wish their children to view it. There is something very amiss with that in and of itself fundamentally speaking. Mr. McCullough did not convene with the Board of Trustees or the Principles. He placed himself in a very precarious position in that his actions could be misconstrued as personal political bias on his part, which in that case, compromises the integrity of his position as superintendent. Without the accountability afforded in a group decision, it is possible that he did not separate his own personal feelings politically from his position, which, if that is the case, brings up ethical concerns. Of course, discovery of Mr. McCullough's intent must be the next step from those who have to power to make a decision regarding his remaining as Superintendent. I hope that the governing body that has the authorization to do so, takes the appropriate steps to move forward transparently in that discovery and upon deliberation, will make a decision, and communicate that decision to the community. I believe that this action, will quell the hearts of people like me who entrust their children's education to this district. I believe that will begin the process of healing for those that have been hurt by his choices. As I had stated in previously, McCullough's decision:
If the Arlington district truly wants to build healthy, productive, mindful, responsible, law-abiding citizens that value personal responsibility and above all, have high regard for our leaders from parents, teachers, local governing bodies, all the way up to the President, we must set the bar at the top. We must demand and uphold the superintendent to be mindful of his position for the children that he is to be looking out for and hold him accountable to the decisions that he makes. Especially those decisions that he acts upon alone. These are fundamental principles that must not waiver. These children are watching our every move, thinking for themselves and forming opinions of what they see. We must be mindful of that. They will act accordingly. I would like this district to uphold what is best for the children first and foremost, and will act upon what is right for them. I would like to see this district send a clear message to the kids and the community- that this situation will be addressed appropriately. I would like this district to serve as a model to our children, faculty, and community that all choices, good or bad, have consequences. I would like this district to find a way to resolve this issue swiftly and carefully so that this our children can get back to the business of learning. I would like this district to find a creative way to make this situation, an opportunity to them to learn. Let's give these children the credit that they deserve, and show them respect by validating them through open involvement and clear communication. It is what we do in adversity, that our character shines through. To sweep this under the rug, with a pat on the hand is not enough, and that too, sends a clear message to the students, parents, faculty, community, and the nation. Because of the national attention that we have received as a district, our response will show everyone what we are truly made of. We must be mindful of that as well, for they will act accordingly. |
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