Children of America

This post as it relates to the Future of America, is about children.  Children are our future, and there are multitudes of children who have suffered and are suffering at this very moment.  Somewhere out there right now is a child who is sleeping cold, or hungry.  Somewhere out there at right now is a child listening to parents screaming and arguing through the walls.  Somewhere out there right now is a child or teenager that is being abused sexually by a relative, friend, or even a neighbor.  Somewhere out there is a child who talks to their parent, only to be ignored or brushed off from parents too busy or too stressed out, or too preoccupied with their personal issues to even sign a folder or acknowledge what happened at school.  Or on the flip side, a parent may be overly critical, overbearing, controlling and obsessive and have a tendency to smother and intimidate their children. In turn, this creates intense fear and stifles creativity and the opportunity to develop critical thinking.  Those are just a few examples, and the list could go on and on.  Unfortunately these young impressionable children do not have any intellectual tools to discern right and wrong in an order to protect themselves and blindly accept this abuse- many times feeling guilty or at fault and take on a great deal of shame.  This toxic shame becomes maladaptive and leads to many disorders and addictions as a means to cope. There is a good chance if you can identify with any of these scenarios, that you may have experienced some of that growing up.   Unfortunately, I have to admit that my own children were affected by abuse, and as their mother, I hope to impart to them my deepest apologies for their needless suffering.  This post is for them and it is for you.

Unfortunately, without loving and caring parent's making healthy choices for children, situations and circumstances place children in high risk situations that create environments that are not conducive to learning and growing emotionally, mentally, intellectually, and spiritually.   If they live in abuse, they learn how to abuse.  If they live neglected, they will not develop as they should and will lag behind their peers on many levels.  This gap tends to isolate and alienate these children from the group and they become increasingly frustrated socially and move toward seclusion to avoid rejection.  This can lead to more isolation and without having opportunities to practice social situations, leaves them relationally inept and emotionally / intellectually immature. For many of those, they will carry on their parents legacy into the next generation unknowingly and many times continue the needless suffering.  

A parents primary responsibility and moral obligation to their children is to impart information so that they can find their way through life, so that they may discover who they are, and what they have to offer the world.  So many times children's problems come from a lack of good parenting. As a social worker I see this over and over, and am realizing that I was once like that, and still am sometimes, but I believe I have moved forward, made progress and have gained insight and maturity from being a brave and loving mother.   It all begins with being honest with yourself.

For my children- Steven, Kaity and Jojo.  I promise to always try to be honest with myself and grow as a mother and friend to you.  I am sorry for the things that I did and did not do.  Many times I was irresponsible and will not excuse myself as this post is about validating your hurt and pain that my actions caused you.  I promise to leave a legacy to you and to do my best til the day I die to give you everything that you need within my power.  I love you with all my heart.

If you were abused or neglected and feel sadness, hopelessness and/or a heart filled with pain,  I want to tell you how sorry I am for your hardship and loss because of your parent's/caregivers choices.  I know that you are hurting and I wish I could hug you, hold you, touch your hair, hold your hand, kiss you, and tell you how special you are.  I wish I could be your mother so I could tell you the things that I know you need to hear.  I hurt for you too, and wish you love with all my heart.


If you are feeling touched by what I said, and are not a child who lived a painful childhood, but know someone who has, please direct them to this blog.  It is my hope that they will find comfort, understanding, honesty, and hope.


The purpose of this post is to help those affected.  It is to introduce the basic principals needed to begin the process of healing, so they can find happiness and peace in life. 

Some people bring children into this world with intent, purpose and a plan.  Then there are those who do so as a result of no planning or an impulse to satisfy some need or selfish desire within themselves.  Then- there are others that bring children into the world to simply gain access to services and benefits via a 9-digit free pass that their children are granted from simply being born on our soil. This reward gains them access to housing, food, medical care and cash assistance.  Some are the product of unwanted pregnancy due to crimes.  No matter the reason though, parents, for the most part,  are truly not prepared for the reality of the profound obligation and responsibility of being a parent. Coming into parenting without skill, practice, support, knowledge, awareness, or maturity can really create a recipe for disaster.  Many times, these parents are simply ignorant, immature, impulsive, or unaware of important pieces of information.  These factors are the keys to becoming successful in many areas of their life- but for the sake of this post-  SUCCESSFUL PARENTING.  


Children are eager to learn about the world and themselves.  They are hungry for information and affirmation and need to know that they are loved and wanted.  They are also Enthusiastic about the beautiful and intricate wonders of nature and raw energy that the earth and all species that inhabit it exhibit.  This beautiful innocence and wonder is poisoned and crushed in a home of abuse, and/or neglect.



Children of Abuse/Neglect: 


I want to talk to you today from my heart. No matter what your story.  No matter what has happened.  You are here today- right now- reading this blog- moving through time and living in the present.  You are here because you were supposed to read this.  This is for you.  


If you lived in a home, where your caregiver (could be mom, dad, granny, gramps, aunt, uncle, foster parent, etc. ) did not meet your physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, needs and expectations, then you may be suffering from anger, resentment, and bitterness toward them as well as disgust and hatred for your life and the loss of your opportunities as a child.   I want to share my experience with you as a mother over my children so that you can begin to understand your parents.  

Presently, you might be filled with emotions.  Those feelings- if they are negative- can be a barrier to your success in your future.   These feelings- which may be strong and negative about yourself, or your family- will prevent you from experiencing true happiness and success.  What does that mean to be happy?  What does it mean to be successful?  Gosh, those might be a tougher questions than you would originally think.   This post is to give insight, encourage, and motivate you to move forward.  Moving forward may be a slow process.  There may be times that your taking two steps forward, and one step back.  All growth is this way.  Don't lose hope because deep inside you is the ability to take back YOUR life, realize who you are, become aware of your talents, gifts, and skills, but also to honestly appraise weakness at face value and make a plan to bring your life in balance so that you can organize and take action to take back your life that is rightfully yours!  Don't allow anyone alive or dead to have the power to control your future.  Know that you are the only one in control of your future.  It is just a decision to make it happen.  At any cost.   

The first step to move forward toward your happy successful life is to make an attempt to understand the full picture of your caregiver's situation.  This requires a great deal of maturity, as well as creating a mind-set that is focused on being successful ABOVE being a victim.  


Letting go of your history as a victim is easier said than done and may take many years to finally make the decision to choose life over death.  LIFE = being liberated from a painful past to excel and succeed on your own personal path.  DEATH = complaining about what you missed out on, or what your abuser/neglectful caregiver did or did not do to/for you AND MISSING OUT ON OPPORTUNITIES WHILE your looking in the past.  Death is also accompanied by pervasive feelings of sadness, hurt, and anger about the injustices that took place.


CAUTION!!!!  YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM A LONG TIME AND IT IS A HABITUAL AND PERVASIVE MINDSET THAT YOU HAVE CREATED TO SURVIVE.  IT WILL NOT BE EASY TO SHAKE AND IS THE BIGGEST CHALLENGE THAT YOU WILL FACE IN MOVING TOWARD SUCCESS.


Before we go further,  I feel I need to earn your trust by being very transparent.  Maybe you can find a little truth for yourself in some part of our story, and begin to understand where your parents may have been, or perhaps where you fit in in relation to your family and its own unique issues.  I think it is important that you know that I am a survivor of a tragic past.  I tell you that not for sympathy, but as a transparent point to begin understanding about the cycle of abuse from a generational perspective.  I can only hope that you will do as I hope that I have done, and that is to stop the cycle of abuse onto your own family and children.  I lost so many opportunities in my life to achieve my dreams and realize my true talents.  Because of this ANGER over my loss, I carried many chips on my shoulders for so many years.  I am sure that I still have a few.  I would cry about my life to anyone who would listen for many, many years.  It was the way I survived.  I married at 19 for security because I was afraid to be alone.  In hindsight, I realize I did not marry for love.  I did not know what love is.  I did not know any of this at the time, but maturity has helped me to see the truth in that, and for that, I deeply regret hurting my children's father and exposing my children to that life.  I had no foresight of where my life was going, nor any cognitive awareness of the consequences of my choices.  Living in a violent home kept me from emotionally developing, and as a result paved the way to a careless young adulthood.

I love my children deeply and it was this instinctive love that drove me to find solutions to my problems and to find a better way.  I am who I am because of my children.  Wanting them to be  happy was the motivation for me to find myself and give them a better life.  I hated the way that I was hurting them out of ignorance, frustration, and depression.  I realize that although I tried my best, in comparison to some of their friends, my trying my best was simply not enough.   That expectation from them is normal, and having resentment toward me is understandable.  After all, they did not ask to be born, and all children deserve to be brought into this world with love, support and opportunities. But in reality, life is life.  

  
 About my children:

 First of all, my son Steven, who is 22 years old, supposedly had ADHD.  He was a very challenging child to raise- according to MY PERCEPTION at the time. You should know, however I was very young (19).  I had very little communication, problem solving, and negotiation skills.  I was very immature, and had very little social support.  

Steven's desire to please me with little gifts and kisses and entertaining me to "make" me happy made him very susceptible to damaging words and statements that were not intended to be malicious nor  hurtful, but out of sheer frustration and ignorance, it did happen.  That is reality.  All children need to hear good things about them.  They need encouragement and need to be taught about life and love.  Unfortunately Steven was exposed to temper tantrums, outbursts of frustration and anger born out of my failing as a mother and a wife, and him being neglected due to my depression and mental problems.  Steven absorbed all that negative energy.  I NOW BELIEVE NOW HE WAS NOT ANY MORE DIFFICULT THAN ANY OTHER CHILD- But that I was a very unskilled parent with many problems, and the task of parenting him by ME was challenging and difficult.  He did not deserve that label because of my inablilites.  I think that is very important because you may have been told that you were a pain in the ass, and that your parents did everything they could but you, but it was YOU that was difficult.  Do not accept that as 100% truth.  You may have been difficult, and they may have been troubled, and together the combination was extremely challenging, but remember that you were the child and it was their responsibility to do their best and take care of your needs.  If they failed and want to blame you, you cannot change that.  All you can do is decide what you want from your life now and take action on making that happen.  You cannot be successful in life looking in the rear view mirror and not watching the road.  Eventually you will crash from not seeing what is in front of you.


Kaity- My daughter Kaity is 17 and is the sweetest, kindest, and most gentle person I know.  She is delicate, precious, and thoughtful.  She endured so much of the yelling and screaming and was silent.  Her pain was always internalized and her escape was in artistic expression through music, writing, and art.  She was always wanting to take care of me and make me feel better when I was upset.  She could not be the one taken care of, because there was no one there for her.  Her loneliness was always present. She needed someone to be there for her and she never ever asked or demanded a thing.  My selfish choices to engage myself in bad relationships left nothing for her, and again, she ended up feeling alone.  I was so many times thoughtless and immature and she was always so gracious, loving, and forgiving of me. I am afraid she is going to always give to everyone and always feel empty because she could never expect more from me.  She always got the short end of the stick on everything.  I hope that I will give her all the love and support she needs from here on out.

Jojo.  She is 3.  She seems to be doing very well, and I hope to continue to be a good mother to her and give her the information and nurturing that she needs to be happy and successful in her life.

What to do?

Making the decision:
After you realize that being a victim is no longer paying you off the dividends it once did and you choose life, then the healing must begin.  Forgiveness only comes through understanding and realizing that it is not for them, but to release you from the power that the pain has in your life.  Forgiveness is not something that you have to agree to with the abuser.  If they are stubborn and not willing to accept responsibility, then it will only continue to hurt.  To move forward is to let go.  Its hard to run forward with tons of weight attached to your body.  Dump the crap through forgiveness and begin to find people around you that have good character and that encourage you.  If you hang out with those who are negative, abusive, irresponsible, and unmotivated- then you will be the same.. Find those people that you admire and make an effort to spend more time with honorable and trustworthy people.


Self discovery:
Now that your not obsessing about the crap, you have more time to think about the world.  To think about your dreams.  To explore your strengths.  Start reading about or researching things that you find interesting and fascinating.  Begin to identify where you need to work.  If your communication skills are questionable or you feel lost, find a trusted friend or a counselor to give you advice on how to go about figuring out what makes you tick, what motivates you.  Start with building your values.  What is important to you?  Values are the principles that are important to us.  They can be anything from self improvement, service, friendship, honesty, integrity, health, career, family, responsibility, financial success, passion, transparency, dignity, altruism (unselfish concern for others).  A sincere effort in researching "personal values" will help you do define what is important for you.  You need to discover who you are and what you would like to become.   


Taking action:
Now is the time to practice your decisions by making choices that reflect your values.  It is the time to weed out people you see as an obstacle and invite opportunities to build your new world.  Taking time to organize and plan your future with goal-setting.  New skills must be learned.  Communication and assertiveness are important in the action phase, so if you lack those skills, they must be learned in order to move forward as all success comes through reaching out to others in healthy ways through effective communication.


Follow-up and evaluate progress:
This is essential to see that your on track.  Systematic evaluation and self assessment must be followed through with daily, monthly and yearly.  Have a trusted friend be a good source of feedback to help your perspective be more objective and quantifiable.

I hope that you enjoyed reading this post.  Please feel free to leave a comment or share something that you feel would benefit someone else.